Last Friday night was like every other Friday night. Being in my twenties (albeit not for much longer unfortunately) I was looking for something fun to do. My GF was having girls night and left me unsupervised to get in all sorts of devious trouble.
Naturally I decided I needed a partner in this evenings crimes or if for nothing else, to help out in raising bail money. So I quickly scrolled through the contact list on my ever expensive phone which verizon tells me can do anything. "Anything" must be a term in verizon which actually means, "Anything, except get you laid by a latino swimsuit model, pick winning numbers for the lottery, or release white doves and play loud trumpets whenever you walk in to a room." Which sucks because those are the reasons I bought the damn thing. But, I digress. So after a few calls the only friend I could find who had bail money on hand, and who didn't already have mischievous plans was one of my best friends Dan. Now to give you a little background into Dan and I's friendship. Dan has on several occasions, literally saved my life, kept me from running away and getting married, almost landed me in jail, actually came to visit me in jail, broken several of my bones, and helped me bury a dead hooker. I'm kidding about one of those, I'll let you decide
Onward with the story!
So while talking to Dan, he tells me that his wife is coming. Now this means Dan and I aren't going to get in to any trouble this evening. We decided we will meet at the Claddaugh Irish Pub downtown for a couple beers and whatnot. By this time its about 7PM so I quickly got ready, rounded up the GF and headed towards the big city. I dropped Karman off around 8 cause thats what time her other boyfriend is able to have conjucal visits at the Marion County Jail. We said our goodbyes and I headed to the pub.
I show up to the pub, have a seat at the bar and order a beer. The bar is unusually busy for this early on a friday night. The bar is also full of business-looking, blackberry carrying, wing tip shoe type guys. I was waiting to hear something about cover letters on TPS reports, quarterly revenues, or maybe even a "Hey shooter we just landed". Google it. Now we had decided to meet somewhere between 8 and 830. At 915 Dan and Nicole come strolling right up to me being escorted by the girl working the front door because they asked if Jack Black was in the building. The door greeter did say I looked just like him but didnt ask for an autograph or buy me a beer. Piss poor. Well we all ordered a round and the conversations started flowing.
Now the topics of conversation ranged from the economical condition of the Asain market, the MLB playoffs, Brodys facial hair, Johnsons emo wrist tattoos, and most importantly and definitely most entertaining topic, my ex girlfriends.
Now I have dated some crazy chicks.
"Yeah Clint, I've dated some crazy chicks too.."
No you haven't my friend, no you haven't.
I'm going to keep all female names private for fear that some crazy ex female friend of mine will be waiting in the bushes outside my work or apartment and shoot me in the nuts. I don't want that. Let's begin this adventure with my earliest crazy ex girlfriend.
I dated this girl who was extremely immature for her age. I thought girls were supposed to mature two years faster than guys? In the middle of doing regular daily activities, this girl would just fall towards me and make me catch her. If for some reason I didn't catch her, then to her that meant I didn't love her. I promise I'm not making this up. So here is where this gets funny. We were at a party one night and Brody and I were either making something to eat or cutting limes for tequila shots, either way I had a huge butcher knife in my hand. This girl decides shes going to fall towards me just as I pick up this knife. Obviously my first instinct was to catch her and let the knife stab her, then we can stop this stupid act. However the nice guy in me came out and I decided to let her drop. She dropped much like the Wiley Coyote after he was slammed in the face with a shovel. I'm talking straight stiff-as-a-board fall. Her head bounced off the tile as if one of the Harlem Globetrotters was using it to dribble between their legs. Now here is the crazy part, SHE WAS MAD AT ME!!! Apparently I didn't love or care about her because I refused to stab her. Guess that was my fault.
Another crazy thing wasn't necessarily the girlfriend, although she did have some mental instability. I had been seeing this girl for a bit when she decided she wanted me to spend the night. I thought this was a terrific idea. We went out and came back to her place for the night. The next morning is where it gets interesting. Little did I know that my new flame actually belonged to another dude. Apparently they had split up but she forgot to tell him. So at 7am on a Saturday morning there was a pounding on her door. Her bed room was positioned in the house so she could look out her window and see whoever is at the front door. She told me it was her ex boyfriend and to just ignore him and he will go away. Through earlier conversations she had mentioned her ex lived in Camby which was about 60 miles away from where we were. Obviously I was thinking "This dude just drove 60 miles at 7am to come see her, he isnt going away!" All of a sudden her door opens and this guy walks in to find us in bed together. They immediately start arguing. She gets up, puts some clothes on, walks outside with him and proceeded to "break it off". Little did I know this was a precursor to what would be the fate of our relationship. I found out she was cheating on me with someone from work. She tried to tell me it was my fault but she knew deep down she was just seriously mentally unstable.
Really I could go on and on about stories from my ex girlfriends. I would like to point out that my best friends who are like brothers to me, tried and tried to warn me of these crazy female adventures. Every time I introduced them to a girl, they always gave me an honest opinion about her whether it was nice or not. I have learned a hard lesson that most hot single women who are around my age are probably single for a reason. I would rather let my friends drive drunk on the interstate while blindfolded and texting than date a crazy chick. On a mushy note, it seems I have found a girl who is perfect for me. Shes laid back, smart, funny, likes to try new things, challenges me to be a better person, and is super hot. Karman, I'll have to introduce you to her some time, lololololol, just kidding babe.
If you are an ex girlfriend of mine and feel like I might have been referring to you, then you're probably right. Please don't shoot me in the nuts, I kind of like having them around.
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